"The Shotgun Divorce"

Words & Music by James Nihan

I was headin' south to New Orleans
To forget about those Boston beans
They clear me out but never cleared my mind
I didn't have no itiner'y
Just a need to change the scenery
And leave a punched out clock and boss behind

I drove down through a mountain pass
And the gauge said it was time for gas
So i pulled into a station for a fill
Sat a minute then I gave a toot
And a burly woman in a blue jumpsuit
Came out and pumped the gas that matched my bill

She washed the windows and she done 'em good
Then she offered to check beneath the hood
She yelled to me, "Hey, sir, your fanbelt's loose!"
I was leanin' over when she squeezed me tight
And gave my left ear lobe a bite
She smiled at me and gave me quite a goose

It was just that time her pa drove up
With her uncles and her brothers in a pickup truck
And when I saw the gun I spontaniously aged
Y'see, it had two barrels side by side
The kind that's used to wed a bride
And right the it dawned on me I'd got engaged

I wished a lightning bolt had struck
Me dead beside that pickup truck
But it didn't and we drove on into town
Stopped outside a general store
With a shingle hangin' by the door
That said "Justice of the Peace" and we got down

Went inside and there I stood
With the gal who looked beneath my hood
And she took off that blue jumpsuit to my surprise
But underneath she wore a wedding gown
Her grandma's mother's hand-me-down
It stayed unzipped in back to meet her size

The judge said, "With all due respect
Does anybody here object?"
He glanced around and raised his bushy brows
I was just about to move my tongue
When I heard her daddy cock the gun
So right then and there I made my wedding vows

They passed a jug and I got pie-eyed
You know I even kissed the bride
While a honeymoon was hanging in the sky
And all the folks turned out to see
This outstanding hunk of husbandry
A light bulb flashed inside my head and I . . .

Took off my clothes and danced a jig
On a table while I wore the grandma's wig
And I sang the best punk song they'd ever heard
But I guess they thought I went too far
When I kissed her dog and smooched her pa
And went flying out the front door like a bird

I hit the street and I was moving fast
For my car when I felt a shotgun blast
It missed me by an inch or two, of course
When my bare buns hit that bucket seat
It was cold but boy it felt so sweet
And that's the tale of my shotgun divorce

Published by Composure Music (ASCAP)

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